It’s inevitable. As a mom, you’ve likely experienced the heavy burden of mom guilt at some point. That voice in your head that says “you’re not doing enough” or “you’re failing as a parent” or the fear that comes when your child misses a milestone or struggles in the classroom that you’re to blame. The guilt piles on when you lose your temper with your kids or don’t make every minute count. It follows you when you go to work or skip volunteering for that school project.

You feel guilty for taking time for self-care instead of playing with your kids. The expectations are impossible, and so too is the guilt.

Where does this mom guilt come from? In part from internalized messaging that mothers must be selfless nurturers who always put their kids first. The media and other moms can compound these unrealistic standards. The truth? Parenting is full of hard trade-offs and there is no such thing as “perfect”. Learning self-compassion and realistic points of view is key to quieting the relentless inner mom guilt critic.

Practical Tips for Self-Compassion
Tune into emotions without judgment. Notice when you’re feeling guilty and instead of resisting the feeling or beating yourself up further say, “I notice I’m feeling guilty right now. This is a normal emotion when parenting.”

Get a positive outside perspective. Talk to other moms about unrealistic expectations and the guilt habit. See that you’re not alone, that it’s normal but that you don’t have to give into it either. Speak kindly to yourself. Talk to yourself as you would a good friend in the same situation. We often say things to ourselves we would never say to others!

Write yourself a permission slip. Make a list of things like “It’s okay if my kids watch 30 minutes of TV so I can exercise” and post it as a visual reminder.

Set small goals instead of big ones. Take baby steps towards self-care instead of overly high demands that lead to failure.

Fake it ‘til you make it. Even if you don’t fully feel worthy of self-compassion yet, treat yourself with kindness. Self-compassion will build with practice.

As moms, giving ourselves the same care and understanding we lavish on our kids will allow us to sustain ourselves and parent from a fuller cup. Be gentle with yourself today! That mountain of mom guilt didn’t pile up overnight after all, so give yourself time to heal old wounds.